At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
