Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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