his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Are we still banned from the library?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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