she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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