She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
