I love black thongs
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
