So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
