listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
