His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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