guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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