shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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