I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
