I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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