I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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