When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
