my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
