the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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