Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
