WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize