Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
