You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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