It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
