so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I didn't notice because vodka
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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