There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
