Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
