Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
