went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Couch. On fire.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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