I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You ruined the universe
Randomize
