Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
