I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He passed out mid-signature
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
