We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
