I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wish there were birth control emojis
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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