apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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