Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
