I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
