after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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