I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
