It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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