I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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