I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
