Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
