It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
