When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
