She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
