I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
