Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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