I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
