My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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