You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
