Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
