i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
