does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
